Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


mayor announces a Thing
there is a mayor. He is saying things into a microphone. did you know this? you do now. the mayor says we are all much too fat. our bilious folds are making the city smell terrible. the mayor said this through a cloud of meatball breath. many rumors abound.

a Thing is terrible: op-ed
this Thing is bad. bad enough to make a person vomit, defecate without concern for decorum. the mayor proposes things like eating less of the meatballs. is he hoarding them? the smell is not that bad. some dogs throw up, but many Dogs are agreeable. how can we be fat when everyone is fat. the words lose their meaning. I cannot be angrier than I am: every muscle twitters.

sports??
many fascinations about with the annual Sports underway. rolling has captured the heart of the nation and squeezed with, mercilessly. rolling champion Lars Unterblaken claims the prize with many rolls, a graph with the number has been provided, please peruse:

rolls: 6
lifetime rolles: many, many
TBA: uncertain
rolls per Sport: 3.4

angry fights have happened. was the last roll merely the shout of Lars saying ‘THIS IS ALSO A ROLL’ and confusing the Judges? claims are made that the judges are unwise.

faraway men raise arms high in the air, yell into the sky
there are causes for great terror in a faraway land as strange men raise arms and make great noises. birds are scared by the din and so are we. the sales of weapons has tripled as many fear and gather to them their children in their soft bodies. we will catch the fleeing birds in nets and not allow them near us, for they carry the ringing voices of the faraway men in their ears. do not make the birds into meatballs, for the faraway men carry greatest of pestilences upon themselves.

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

how concerned should you be about thing you don't understand?
very concerned. well ok, let's not be too hasty. actually, let's. here's a few people with an obvious vested interest in the issue. ok. requisite pandering, appeal to authority, some numbers out of context. we're going to have a week long special on this; expect to see half-naked women and poor people you can hate at. FLAG

Nate Breakman
Oct 16, 2003

~*~dOiN' It~*~

instruction for a news

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


national shortage of Es
a crisis looms. there are so many Es being used we may soon have none more. many printing presses are working at fullest capacity, and still not enough Es are available. the Mayor only belches, using many Es in the sound he makes. this article is responsible for the shortage. sorry;

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

where did you get your hair done.
it looks terrible. it looks like an animal made of straw, frozen in time, pulling out from the pits of your scalp like some tortured alien athena. is your barber ripping you off? no idea. this guy looks like a creep. check out those sideburns. hot damn. piles of money. how to get the best haircut. somewhere people are dying

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


celebrity feud
two men of News became enraged during this week, and came to the same place to altercate. they slap each others fat bellies while we watch until they are bright and pink and swollen. many watch in rapt fascination, and speculate on the victor.

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

i hit a guy on my bike
actually it was a kid. he came out of nowhere and i didn't hear him. scuffed up knee. knee; all red. also him eye popped out. i look at him wail and toss and it's got a rhythm to it. i'm like boom. kish boom. kish boom boom... boom. boom. and that's it, once the chorus hits i'm gone

Canadian Surf Club
Feb 15, 2008

Denim jackets and long hair


injections into modern air supply
If you look up and you see the trails and you're not inside maybe they're messing with higher brain functions and inner-forms (see: Razoinsky, 1972) method of dispersal questionable, but it, creates a struggle within clustered urban settings and panic will preside

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


MRI chalk posted:

i hit a guy on my bike
actually it was a kid. he came out of nowhere and i didn't hear him. scuffed up knee. knee; all red. also him eye popped out. i look at him wail and toss and it's got a rhythm to it. i'm like boom. kish boom. kish boom boom... boom. boom. and that's it, once the chorus hits i'm gone
man hits guy on his bike
many onlookers witnessed a man hit a guy on his bike. it was quite a startle to everyone, but then the man started to drive away. he drove and then stopped and exited car. he said very loud, "OOPS" which many do not think is a good enough apology

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

why is you have no money
i thought you had money. you had some last week. when did you get payed? somebody is stealing your money. they are probably immigrants. if only there weren't immigrants you could get a blu-rad disc movie entertainer. for only 388.50 dollars you'd have if not for mexicans. it plays sharp images, your life's better with it.

Brazilian Pavilion
Jun 04, 2007
watching the bull get the matador, that's the best

thing said stirs controversy
man who said thing was vilified earlier this week; man later recanted thing to relief of all

story
Mar 05, 2009


oceans mostly flat (waves dont count)
sometimes when I am out on the beach for a walk I look out into sea and I think to myself how can the oceantop stay flat when there are trenches and mountains deep beneath the water?

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

the wind cries; deloris
some people thing the trees are too loud now. they just build a hospital and they have to have whirlybirds fly up to it. really loud when men are trying to swim. deloris is head of council for angry people. they sue the trees for blocking the sun. whirlybird goes down like a burning ember in the snow. man shakes his cigarette. the man is wealth. the cigarette is humanity. weather is next

AndrewBK
Feb 22, 2006


living causes cancer
kill yourself to avoid dying of cancer

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


making meatballs with your celebrity host, Ogden
ha, ha, what merriment. your host Ogden here, with the recipe. what you do is take some meat. maybe from the cow. the pig is the tastiest. roll it across every delicious thing you can find. see my show for more of this recipe. on at 5,7,9am,12am,7,8. northern/central/eastern/western.

swampman
Oct 20, 2008


someone has money
today a business gained money. a lot of people are paying it. i bet they will keep paying it, too. here's the facts:
code:
66	56	62	70	13	6	56	26	51	63
55	55	68	41	3	40	2	59	61	38
44	69	91	44	11	98	99	80	92	33
98	49	69	76	62	55	32	48	77	71
23	12	6	61	68	71	57	99	48	31
23	10	72	16	86	59	75	53	12	40
77	34	77	97	78	26	64	28	93	18
61	67	7	44	70	36	54	22	15	2
49	98	55	42	19	82	70	56	2	38
2	93	61	98	19	12	20	32	31	25
3	66	75	73	31	56	48	56	90	94
8	15	59	94	76	4	60	96	24	23
12	93	56	69	19	7	62	76	64	32
50	21	3	34	1	6	19	24	79	9
41	33	95	69	50	92	82	83	15	24
7	55	80	33	9	13	25	48	15	30
47	59	48	20	70	6	67	10	89	12
78	52	26	10	18	46	36	77	24	56
96	26	13	46	96	46	45	65	94	42
45	14	62	17	76	73	43	60	14	64
41	31	66	49	40	21	64	50	94	37
64	30	14	84	1	4	11	65	11	2
49	45	91	96	2	39	76	66	19	89
38	71	6	71	72	17	57	94	10	36
13	97	64	40	27	5	46	26	26	46
70	79	50	76	27	44	82	50	27	10
35	6	59	49	53	22	93	63	85	28
89	64	66	16	60	13	85	91	82	1
93	48	74	48	44	75	70	19	17	5
53	80	80	15	95	1	12	83	46	7
41	38	71	44	69	60	85	19	40	51
90	16	6	20	98	13	58	2	98	24
18	45	31	84	4	39	24	25	70	24
69	26	52	41	90	46	40	85	76	46
84	9	29	67	10	85	52	65	30	28

story
Mar 05, 2009


space dark

It's dark as shit! God I can't see a fucking thing out here.

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

lady has a baby
only not just one. a lot of baby. the babies crawl into your house and steal your wallet and have sex with your daughter. your daughter is made into a whore and a pedophile. then you cannot count her as a deduction and the irs takes away your blu-rad player. how like woman to have a babies he said and spat on the brown crabgrass

Canadian Surf Club
Feb 15, 2008

Denim jackets and long hair


D V N O
four Capital letters, printed in gold, because deteils make the girl sweat even mo

story
Mar 05, 2009


this book is hard to read
I wish that the author didn't have to spell the words in a crude approximation of dialect

threeagainstfour
Jun 26, 2005

"She said I had a rotten soul."

celebrity defeats drug habit

A celebrity man overcame his addition to immoral substances today. many pats on the back were sent his way. In other news a young man, of questionable skin tone, was sent to jail for forty years for possession of a white substance.

story
Mar 05, 2009


my heart has four parts
aorta, aorta, ventricle, tentacle

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

corrupt fuckhead makes decision
and i swear to god everybody better fuckin jump. who the fuck are you anyway. i got a 3-speed and ray-bans. lemme just glint your ass off my peripheral and shoot off like a star. pleb.

story
Mar 05, 2009


A man wuz hongry
A man wuz hongry and he ast de preacher to help him out. De preacher tole him just ast de Lawd for whut he wants and he'll git it. So de man wnet home and got down and ast de Lawd, says, "O Lawd, send me down de barrel o' flour, a barrel o' meat, a barrel o' sugah, de tub o' lard - hold on, dere a minute, God. Dat's too damn much lard."

story
Mar 05, 2009


juno's in alaska
and there's lincoln in nebraska and columbus is the capital of o-hi-o, there's montgomery alabama south of helena montana and there's denver colorado under boisi idaho

leefy greans
Aug 30, 2006

It's a sad and beautiful world.

Shit's Fucked Up
dude

Xovaan
Jan 09, 2005

Who knew 16 could could get you 20?

shit just got real
shit just got real. the realest shit. you haven't seen shit as real as this. forecasts for later this week show cloudy with a chance of some real heavy shit. developing.

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

the mic cut out
but i'm still talking. just a head looking at you talking and you don't know what but you're still watching and it hits you. i'm not saying anything. it's no difference without the sound. look at all these pictures and gestures, graphics and glint and lights and ties and hair gel and shit, doesn't say anything. look at you goddamn kid. what the hell? he readin a book? he read books? you don't even fuckin know. you don't know shit. just keep watching.

Midelne
Jun 19, 2002

I shouldn't trust the phones. They're full of gas.

some strange people

we can only stand so long before we will sit, and only sit until we lie down; then it will happen. do not sleep, do not sit down. arms around the world are reducing until they are not seen anymore. the scientists are not responsive to our questions, and striking them with blows brings no more information, but the gentle green rain that fell from space, from a clear sky, over the whole cloudless world is almost certainly to blame. it brought a strange feeling to those who tasted it, and their eyes are now too bright and quick to meet and their speech is changed, maybe we should all have drunk the rain

story
Mar 05, 2009


it's a hard make
that's right son, eek out yer best graft before the cut. Me and the two-timers will make right before the skip, but the last scrim out is sur'nuff to get the short straw.

BALLIN LIKE STALIN
Nov 13, 2007


space olympics on hold
space disk, space sword, space luge all canceled due to funding issues. All other events pending

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

you doin it wrong
what i mean what. i have never seen such a manner in all my days. that is the queerest. look at how you hold that thing. just look with eyes fresh as rain and don't give me that tongue i gave you, i got plenty. now you just stop and i'll tell you when you try again you had better not make a folly about it

swampman
Oct 20, 2008


We paid to tell you to pay us!
The next two pages show all the things we want you to have. $8. Slightly less than $3. You can have all these things for money. $12 for 6. These things are superior, but the dollar amounts you see on this page would seem more at home on a page with inferior things. Limited time offer.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


thing is happening
thing is happening, maybe near you? we'll update you on thing when more news. becomes apparent?? some say thing is good; others say things is bad.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


oh no
thing happening turned out to be bad

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

tastes like mom's cooking
shhhhhhhhhh.

remember when you were a child ?
proobably the last time you were happy ?

now
hand over your creditt carddssss

AndrewBK
Feb 22, 2006


world event
the event heard around the world

Hitler vs. Bjork
Feb 24, 2005



asher roth
don't even bounce. not in my house. better hope you make it, otherwise you naked

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


HUGE CASH SETTLEMENTS
god DAMN those are some big cash settlements! wowee! you can grab one of those, you know. just walk up, very very carefully, slip the harness on, and them BOOOOM! HUGE CASH SETTLEMENTS ALL YOURS! treat it gently though. call now

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


having fun
population went out to an area and partaken in fun--want to know what happened? well i'll tell you. peapel got on train, a device up a hill, and went down faster than they go up. lots o' screams, but they were good screams, not bad ones, which is nice since thing earlier was bad. we'll tell you about bad thing later

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

you got the master sword
and whooooooo caaaaaaaares *gong* when have you NOT gotten this thing, i swear on my life and my love of it that i will drop some hearts and rupees and shit before i pick up another bomb like the skull of jehovah annd place it before that obvious rock; no earth to impede my path to stagnance, forget your duality

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


thing is really bad, a lot worse
than previously thought. people killing they'reselves over it. why is? it's because it took there monie. people scraeming at others over it. they're like "WHERE DID MONEIS GO?!!?" and are mad.

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

dispatches from the free market
lower taxes. also and the free market has decided that you need a new car, here are the facts so read them a be a rational actor: BANG WHISH ZOOOOM sExMaChInE

story
Mar 05, 2009


two sharks
two sharks with a crush on eachother! she wont tell him but he knows because she keeps laughing with all her sharks, her other sharks, if they would just go away he could finally tell her, his fins are all red, oh my he's so embarrassed! maybe he should just slip a note in her davy jones' locker

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


finger of god
came down onto flat land and killed 3 person in oklahamo :p

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


new product
could help. but does it have hiden probls???? investigation follows: we ask manufacturer what probs is, they say none. product have no problems

Feinne
Oct 09, 2007

And don't forget the passion!


king is coming

stand up, king is coming. salute king sign, king look with favor, give baby blessing. cower from king sign, king look with anger, steal baby to eat.

Goatstein
Dec 04, 2006



famous person is gay
in a stunning twist, a famous celebrity has been revealed to be gay. when asked how it feels, the celebrity said they feel "liberated." the celebrity went on to say that friends and loved ones have known for a while. there have long been rumors that famous person is gay. a white christian in a position of power condemned famous person, saying that it sends the wrong message to children.

leefy greans
Aug 30, 2006

It's a sad and beautiful world.

I Am A Writter
Heare Me Writ

story
Mar 05, 2009


salmon
god fucking damn it martha I'm telling you i can't make it up this, rrg, no wait, don't - don't patronize me you fucking minnow, I can, hrk, I'm gonna spawn, okay? okay I'm gonna, I just -

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


oops! "big gaffe" gaffer gaffes
oh ho ho ho! this is one for the "funny pages!" a big important man, like the Mayor or something, got up and said the WRONG THING. im applauding right now thinking about it. what a dire, dire fool, may death come to him swiftly

story
Mar 05, 2009


bear
yeah

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


bubble-headed celebrity does stupid shit

a famous bubble-headed celebrity did some stupid shit today and it's all been captured by tmz!!!! live vicariously through the retardedly rich and famous; oh and some brown people were bombed today

POTUShead
Sep 22, 2006

Underneath the fading sun
The silent sum of a businessman
Has left us choking


are you scared? yes

yes you feel terror. fear. who is hiding in that bush? is it Bush? no...no it is cheney and he bleeds oil onto your children. your children are in debt, have they been birthed yet? if not mayhaps you should reconsider. black president and all.

platzapS
Aug 03, 2007

Imagine


Flames and Fire Over There
Way over in that state are big, big fires. Man thinks it is accident, but other man not so sure. Lots of houses in danger. Big red flames make trees twigs and smoke. Look at the fire pictures.

platzapS fucked around with this message at Mar 27, 2009 around 15:43

Goatstein
Dec 04, 2006



wedding in afghanistan accidentally bombed
why do these people get married so much goddamn

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


hotel rwanda

story
Mar 05, 2009


dead in home
someone was dead, they died at home, which is a pretty good way to go out, I guess. Other people think, okay, as long as I don't slide off the couch, and then they find me with that weird rug indentation on my face that makes my skin look like a brain.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


POTUShead posted:

are you scared? yes

yes you feel terror. fear. who is hiding in that bush? is it Bush? no...no it is cheney and he bleeds oil onto your children. your children are in debt, have they been birthed yet? if not mayhaps you should reconsider. black president and all.

lmao

AndrewBK
Feb 22, 2006


stink mud
1st grade children sit in class. boy tells girl to smell her finger. finger smells of poo. boy explains finger was dipped in stink mud in playground. stink mud widely believed to be exist. stink mud turns out to be boys butt.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


news is funy
look, funnyman (he is a professional) is mocking famous thing. haha different. you are refreshed and forget how bad you feel about lossing monies and losses of life's. man make you laugh hard, on tv, now, watch it

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


new shiny thing

new shiny thing out for technophiles to masturbate over; if you don't have one of these, get one or you'll be a fucking loser

swampman
Oct 20, 2008


feeling of acceptance gained by emulating others
a new craze or fad is sweeping the region, group, or internet community. after someone was spotted doing something, many chose to repeat his actions. said one witness, "his behavior was that of someone who behaves in a way we want to emulate." now many people do this, and maybe you should too. many claim that successfully performing the behavior in front of others in the group is a quick and easy way to become popular.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


new shiny thing
emits cancer radiation; oh no youre going 2 die D: but it is really cool get one today

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


this thread
funy. new wave of laughs across forum. some people voet'd it a 5??? why? because they like this laugh machine. funny in computer., try it!

platzapS
Aug 03, 2007

Imagine


Gunman robs bank, shoots others
A man with a gun broke into a bank. Here are helicopter pictures of the bank and the police cars outside. He shot two bank people, one is hurt real bad. LOOK! He run out of bank with money! Police tackle and capture. Are video games the cause?

POTUShead
Sep 22, 2006

Underneath the fading sun
The silent sum of a businessman
Has left us choking


food to reduce your size
you enjoy food we hear! we have a new food for you. it will reduce the size of parts of you which are too large. do you feel bloated? unlovable? this food will assist you to becoming less of yourself. this food will also taste like things you enjoy which have made you large...but it will not make you large we promise? do you want envy directed at your paunch? purchase this food from us today, right now, before your bloat becomes mockable. available in ranch.

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


if only he had a gun
he could have shot the bad man. instead many burgers were taken, many ketchup stained dollars were taken. so much meats, gone forever. why no gun? why, why, why? so much sorrow could have been prevented if there was a gun around

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


business update
check out numbers. numbers are life, you unhappy if there not good

324
45.2
+5633 (-3.33)
-0.33
38%
234,347 3/4
494.1

Brazilian Pavilion
Jun 04, 2007
watching the bull get the matador, that's the best

turmoil erupts in impoverished region
impoverished region erupts in turmoil

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


jewstate defends itself valiantly against brown menace

a citizen of jewstate was killed by a brown man; the response from jewstate government is to clusterbomb the brown people. jewstate is great and we should support our allies in the war on something insubstantial.

Cowcatcher
Dec 22, 2005

OUR PEOPLE WERE BORN OF THE SKY


World fucked

Someone fucked up, now we're all fucked. Who fucked up? We don't know but let's just fuck someone over and go for drinks

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


man is sorry for being a criminal
a man stood up on the big stage today and said he was very sorry for being a criminal. he said that, "sorry". he pointed a bloodstained finger at some children and said, "those are my children. I want to spend time with them." many agree that because of that he is not such a Bad Sort and should not go to jail. were not sure if those were his children though.

leefy greans
Aug 30, 2006

It's a sad and beautiful world.

It's Friday Again And I'm Alone

fuck

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


money spent, people outraged

money was spent by the govment today. this has caused a great deal of controversy

people asking govment for things

people are begging govment to do something; why is it turning a deaf ear???

Goatstein
Dec 04, 2006



sports team wins
fans jubilant

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


weather
cold in the winter, hot in the summer. and you act surprised about seasonal trends each year. why are you so mad at planet??? it only do what it supposed to do. showers tomorrow

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

leefy greans posted:

It's Friday Again And I'm Alone

fuck

you would have love and sex if you
drink this beer. this beer is made from raw women magnets. it does not work for anybody else but you. also your friends are cool and not embarrassing and they do not talk about elves around women. sip. sip it up. now slam it. yes. yes now buy another. buy twelve. women love a man who slurps words tumbling feet scrabbles. the tile is the matrix a floor with porcelain lovehandles. this is living you cough and then your soul dribbles down your fat bottom lip

Cowcatcher
Dec 22, 2005

OUR PEOPLE WERE BORN OF THE SKY


Bro gonna get fucked up

Cleveland (AP) - A bro announced to his bros today he gonna get fucked up Friday. "I'm totally gonna get fucked up tonight bro" said the bro, following a loud "WOOOOOOOOOOO".

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


nigger

this is a Bad Word. we report you think

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


catastrophic event... 1 year later

special; tonight at 9:00, after sitcom that stopped being funny in its second season

toy
Apr 19, 2001


rich person has highly developed tastes and sensibilities

while most people clearly prefer the bland, unhealthy, unethical, and off-brand items, this rich person has a clear preference for the more expensive & fancy products.

toy fucked around with this message at Mar 27, 2009 around 16:05

post-feminist rimjob
Jan 14, 2005

niggas saying they bark
but to me they just shitzus



garbage-collection fee for residents outside the city line or proposal for new municipal pool hotly contested

a number of concerned citizens came to city hall today to contest the recently proposed garbage-collection fee for residents outside the city line or else the new municipal pool between fletcher avenue and the little league baseball fields. in a strongly worded, ten minute address to the assembled council members, area resident and senior citizen richard townsend called [the fee or proposal] 'a gross outrage,' adding that the proposed plan would either double the traffic for drivers trying to access the town's shopping mall or needlessly increase the tax burden for those living in unincorporated rural areas.

AndrewBK
Feb 22, 2006


dogs sleeping in until midday
pull your weight godammit. we're all in this together

POTUShead
Sep 22, 2006

Underneath the fading sun
The silent sum of a businessman
Has left us choking


sexy health insurance wants you
mmmmm...feels good baby. How are you feeling tonight? Sexy...with a bit of moistness? then CIGNA-Humana Health Specialists want to talk to YOU right now...will make your tender dreams of companionship and hard ramming come true. tender whispers and hot spit, 25% co-pay for generics only. ride my rock-hard third rail all the way to social security and beyond.

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


men and women
men drive cars. women wear dresses. men drink beers with no straws. women drink drinks with fruit and things in them. man fart and holler. women prim and prune. men drive good, women drive badly, too busy thinking about emotions, men are too busy thinking about money. this is not a standup routine. this is Science.

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

nature is the worst
i mean it is just the pits. ooh gosh. it smells, too. wow what malaria, cocaine... lots of stuff. bugs everywhere and the only people who like it are hippies. the same hippies that have sex all the time. they take your sex and then they get hairy and smelly and complain about our awesome wars. well pfft to heck with nature i say. am i right. of course i am. i wrote a books

Brucie Banner
Jun 18, 2008



corporate spokesperson responds to grave injustice perpetrated by his company
a corporate pr representative or ceo responded to claims that their product and business practices were caused detrimental harm to the community where they were produced.
"i will throw out buzzwords and things that make us sound positive," the pr representative said.
another person from a group that is the opposite of the corporate one had a different opinion.
"my opinion is the opposite of that person's," they said.
this story has two opinions.

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


infomercial for shit you don't need

hi i'm billy mays here; do you constantly find yourself do a certain simple task that most can do no problem without leaving a mess?

if so, you are a fucking idiot, and will surely buy our product

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

your kids will be big and fat and dead soon
and they will hate you. you'll be dead too. unless you take them to magical mouse fiefdom. then your wife will not be an alcoholic and your daughter will not be failing english and your son will stop acting like such a goshdarn queer. fun so wholesome. your sins absolved. eat of the bread of the concession stand. drink of the holy waters of the log flume.

Cowcatcher
Dec 22, 2005

OUR PEOPLE WERE BORN OF THE SKY


One dead as shit hits fan

One died early Thursday morning as shit hit fan on intersection of Front and Bay St. According to police reports, the shit went into a skid following a sharp turn, and collided frontally with the fan, causing no damage to the fan. The shit is survived by his wife and two children.

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


new summer hit movie sure to be heartwarming

and totally not feasible within the constraints of reality

AndrewBK
Feb 22, 2006


breaking news
after years extensive abuse, it is reported that the news has been damaged beyond repair by the fox network

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


bear seen scratching butt on tree
now going for walk, click here for live blog updates.

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


tiny dog can see ghosts
believe it or not??? you be the judge. this tiny dog is owned by people who say she can see ghosts. she sees the ghosts and barks at them. every. time. amazed yet? strange coincidence? you be the judge. turns out its a lie though

toy
Apr 19, 2001


stock markets up!!!

glorious days for the heartland as the stock market jumped after labor negotations failed at some international something-or-other. so turn that frown upside down things are really looking up for humanity.

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


we say that crime is up nationally when it's really going down.

generic news network reporting. we're going to say that crime is going up on a national level when it's actually going down. simply speaking, we're going to lie to your faces and you're going to lap it up, fucking plebes

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

glass is made of shards of space
space is made of pockets. glass is made of pockets. test this: put glass in your pockets of your pants. shake now. shake faster. also harder shake really hard. now dance, whitey, leave a trail of blood and hit the pavement when you're done

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


Quixotic posted:

men and women
men drive cars. women wear dresses. men drink beers with no straws. women drink drinks with fruit and things in them. man fart and holler. women prim and prune. men drive good, women drive badly, too busy thinking about emotions, men are too busy thinking about money. this is not a standup routine. this is Science.

POTUShead
Sep 22, 2006

Underneath the fading sun
The silent sum of a businessman
Has left us choking


republicans have a better budget made of bubbles
fancy bubbles with blue words in a pretty text show us a better way. each bubble is held by a christian child. they are all related as siblings, all 44 of them, blonde and lovely. we are for the good things and against things that are wrong, like killing blonde christian children. we would never do that! who would hold our budget bubbles then?

post-feminist rimjob
Jan 14, 2005

niggas saying they bark
but to me they just shitzus



stock market down


bad news for america and americans as some numbers fell today. market analysists were quick to point to a 73% increase in hairshirt sales from the 4th quarter of 2008 as a sign of economic recovery but were quickly silenced by the haunting strains of a roving band of flagellants parading through the city's streets. it is still unclear as of press time as to how we could have been so foolish

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


hate to tell you this but
you arnet cool anymore. but this product will restore what was once your cool. only $19.95

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

smell your finger
well well well. what is that smell. i wonder how that happened. what is that, lint in the nail? how long has that been there? you child. now get a marker. draw a face on that little finger. a little angry face. hold it up. bob it up and down. repeat after me. always repeat after me

Mithril Wolf
Oct 17, 2005

where mah glitchez at

man says bad thing not so bad after all?? what!

man explains himself, listen to these silly words with delight! other man says "no, sir!" he brandishes many diplomas. this many. thing is bad after all, everyone rest easy. except colored man! he loves bad thing, and look at him go! to jail. thing is bad after all. probably??

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


new shiny thing recalled

turns out it can kill toddlers our bad you guys

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


fish feel smth

fish all of them feel something. maybe bad?? if you catch them. that fish may not live to kiss othr fish. if you catch them. it dont want to be added mayo/bred. think about it first ok. what about them

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

Captain Corduroy posted:

fish feel smth

fish all of them feel something. maybe bad?? if you catch them. that fish may not live to kiss othr fish. if you catch them. it dont want to be added mayo/bred. think about it first ok. what about them

its okay to eat fish
because they
don't have any feelings

mainsequence
Jun 13, 2007



Prince of Dicks posted:

finger of god
came down onto flat land and killed 3 person in oklahamo :p

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

astronaut says forbidden name, etc.

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

I want to murder

I want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murderI want to murder commented president at press conference today

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

Good news nothing matters

Good news: nothing matters scientists say. Do whatever you want, fuck a person, kill a person, kill your own person. It doesn't mater, nothing matters, congrat

post-feminist rimjob
Jan 14, 2005

niggas saying they bark
but to me they just shitzus



old president still around

the old president could still be around here, according to some. though others continue to insist that the one time president is incapable of surviving in the wild, these people with fancy university degrees and experience with this kind of thing suggest that he could still be somewhere nearby, living by means of eating the inner organs of beasts and fowls

post-feminist rimjob fucked around with this message at Mar 27, 2009 around 17:29

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


she doesn't really love you
she married you because it was what she was supposed to do. has she ever really even been in love? who knows? the relationship stretches on into the long grey mist where one of you dies. you're crying at the funeral, not because you miss her, but because you just now realized the mistake

The Wogosphere
Dec 21, 2004
- brad

Talking Heads Talked Again
There was much arguing as points and accusations were once again made for and against. Some say a Talking Head went too far, supporters say he hasn't even started yet. Books were also announced.

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

my mother taught me thi

s recipe and the more people I share it with the less likely it is she will ever die

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


man goes on murder spree

he killed a lot of people no one knows why a psychologist says he did it for the attention but this guy says he did it because he didn't blieve in god you decide here's some pictures of him and friends saying he seemed so normal

Cowcatcher
Dec 22, 2005

OUR PEOPLE WERE BORN OF THE SKY


Big booty spotted

Man check out the ass on that fine thang! I'd bump that nasty.

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


maxnmona posted:

my mother taught me thi

s recipe and the more people I share it with the less likely it is she will ever die

local journalist mom dead

died, died of an old age, never to be back again. did not actually live on through saccharine idea

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

I wonder what it's like to Have Gills

I wonder what it's like to have gills. I wonder what it's like to have a girlfriend. I wonder what it's like to eat another person. I wonder what it's like to go to China, I've never been to China

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


huge cancer spreading
important scientist doctors are warning you about a scary new cancer. its really, really big, spreading, and super dangerous, you should definitely avoid it. the doctor scientists said one way to avoid it is eating lots of fruits and vegetables. another way to avoid it is by driving around it. it is located on the corner of 14th and Broad street.

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

Sometimes when you sleep you don't have dreams

but you do have dreams you just don't remember your dreams but since your dreams are in your head if you don't remember them then it's just like they never happened because they had no objective existence and they have no subjective existence and i dreamed last night that I was ten feet tall and finally free of criticism

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

The guy in the mirror is just like me

except that he's backwards and an asshole

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


where are my keys

scientists say their in your hand

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


maxnmona posted:

The guy in the mirror is just like me

except that he's backwards and an asshole
hahaha

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


some brown people are dying

gas might be expensive for a bit just a ehads up

Goatstein
Dec 04, 2006



republicans pretend to be outraged
republican leaders are strongly simulating outrage over something that has happened in a public venue within the last week. a prominent republican has stated that he is "committed to remaining in a pretense of indignation" over the recent occurrence for "as long as it takes." the phantasmal anger program was instituted this morning, and all republican sources should cease making believe that they are offended by retard jokes by 5pm EST.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


Captain Corduroy posted:

where are my keys

scientists say their in your hand

ahahahhahaa

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


AAAauuughghhg

Aaahhhgh! JJRaaaaAAuuUUGgghh! BllURRrrRRbbbblllll uuuunnnggHHHHHH!

That's the last article of our series baby week. Hope you enjoyed our baby reporters.

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

I think that, maybe, I'm dying

The US government announced a plan earlier this week to work together with banks and private investors to help turn the economy around. The "Public-Private Investment Program" is designed to buy up to $1 trillion (686bn) worth of toxic assets to help repair banks' balance sheets The government is getting a good rate of interest and it will get its money back, he said. I think that, maybe, I'm dying.

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


Man is dying

Here are some pictures of this guy who says hes dying "why won't you people help me?" he says he's been there for two days now more to come

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


your husband doesn't l

ove you. see the way he talks to her. where did his bonus go you wonder. he says theyve never talked before but this one time. you know better because you know him you love him. he loves you and buys you a Good Thing but still you saw it. you saw them talking. even if

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


everything i say is right

everything i say is right

A HUGE FUCKIN BLUNT
Jun 26, 2008

~*maximum crunk*~


cop kills a black dude doing something innocent
cop isnt prosecuted, other cops say the black man looked suspicious waiting for a bus, at a bus stop. could have been an armed drug dealer, or a rapist, can't take a chance they say, when your own life is on the line.

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


babies in a well
theres a well not too many people know about, but these days its full of babies. tons of them, and lots of people are crowded around the well looking in, some of them are crying and holding candles. we will provide updates as they happen. update: there is a man with a big shovel putting more babies in. where the heck is he getting them from???

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

Audrey Hepburn is dead

Gregory Peck is dead. Cary Grant is dead. Judy Garland is dead. Marilyn Monroe is dead. Audrey Hepburn is dead. Woody Harrelson is dead. Audrey Hepburn is dead. Audrey Hepburn is dead.

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


red best flavour

"the red one", you say, pointing to slushie machine. what is it cherry strawberry raspberry doesn't matter. red is the best flavour yellow is always sour or pineapple blue is not a real flavour but red is. the best one.

POTUShead
Sep 22, 2006

Underneath the fading sun
The silent sum of a businessman
Has left us choking


everything is raped
the act of rape has been downgraded to slightly annoying. this hogie sandwich raped my gut, reports local steelworker. democrats are raping the budget, claims angry woman scared of muslims. her hair is tossed, knotted, akimbo, raped by split ends and dryness. did the cashier look at you in an annoyed fashion while you wrote out a check at the store? congratulations, you have been raped. scientists are working on a new word to describe physical and mental violation but we must keep it secret.

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

correction

audrey hepburn is not dead

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


NEW STUDY: blue best flavour
haha i spelt it "flavour" im not from your local

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

correction to the correction

audrey hepburn is dead

A HUGE FUCKIN BLUNT
Jun 26, 2008

~*maximum crunk*~


disabled person does something cool
he did a pretty cool thing, even if it's pretty normal, gosh darn it he did it. brown ppl dying on page 35g

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


Prince of Dicks posted:

NEW STUDY: blue best flavour
haha i spelt it "flavour" im not from your local

this guys dumb

can you stand him i can't. there isn't anywhere to put a extra u in here but i'd like to. u

A HUGE FUCKIN BLUNT
Jun 26, 2008

~*maximum crunk*~


man is outraged something he did was racist
insists it wasnt racist at all, who knew mexican people didnt all take siestas, ate burritos every night and hope over fences? he sure didnt.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


im not dumb
haha ive upset you now call government and co,plaine. maybe theyll help???? no

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

I don't know if you've noticed this

but there sure are a lot of poor people on city buses lately. It's like, can't you all just die? Can't you all just disappear from view? Can't you all brick yourselves into impoverished enclaves and never be heard from again? And what about those announcers at train stations, there's just no way to understand them!

Bon Clay
Dec 11, 2005

ghost takin' da sip

dramatic changes up ahead

nt

dipwood
Feb 21, 2004

rouge means red in french

bad thing

if had gun this not happen

A HUGE FUCKIN BLUNT
Jun 26, 2008

~*maximum crunk*~


my dog farted
thanks to my newspaper connection, you now know

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


all the white girls are missing
everyone woke up today and all the white girls are gone. frantic, frantic searching everywhere. where did they go? was it the rapture? everyone is panicked now there won't be any more girls left in the world because all the white girls are gone. extinction of the true human race is looming.

maxnmona
Mar 16, 2005

arms and hearts and alcohol and faith

The Rapture Happened, Jesus Has Returned For His flock

Thank god those fucking killjoys are gone, this earth is going to rule now, who wants to bang five lesbians at once while flipping off god? Answer: I do.

A HUGE FUCKIN BLUNT
Jun 26, 2008

~*maximum crunk*~


jesus appears in mans bald spot
if u look really hard after this dude brushes his hair back it looks like jesus.

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


all our social constructs are a futile attempt to impose order on a fundamentally chaotic universe

oh these cat pictures are adorable

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


A HUGE FUCKIN BLUNT posted:

jesus appears in mans bald spot
if u look really hard after this dude brushes his hair back it looks like jesus.

local man has tumor on head

will die

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


NEW WORLD ORDER ILLUMINATI

open your eyes sheeple

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


trend
but popular why for how long. hear today gone tomorrow

A HUGE FUCKIN BLUNT
Jun 26, 2008

~*maximum crunk*~


PiousHeretic posted:

NEW WORLD ORDER ILLUMINATI

open your eyes sheeple

famous republican has serious health problem
is blind, fingers permanently placed in ears, instinctively goes "lalala"

Brucie Banner
Jun 18, 2008



average person submits video to cnn
bullshit about nothing that matters but i'm not a reporter!!!

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


family member dead

it's okay to be sad she said, but you're not. you didn't know him neither did anyone else here really. had to buy a suit to wear here. will return tomorrow, didn't fit, like sadness

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


local news network learns of internet meme; totally misses the fucking point

hohohohohohoh, the man is dancing and singing in a deep voice; surely he'll see more sales

free reign
May 22, 2008
The western countries and others did not develop in industry and in other important innovations until they utilized the sciences developed by Muslims many years ago


There's too much water here.
It might be best to leave now that there's so much water. We have to take things with us too; if we don't they will all get wet. Someone will come after us with a big vacuum. They will take all the water away. If the Men won't let us through then we will throw scraps of paper at them until they move out of our way. Don't worry, we have plenty of paper.

free reign
May 22, 2008
The western countries and others did not develop in industry and in other important innovations until they utilized the sciences developed by Muslims many years ago


What are we going to do about this Scepter?
Yeah I wish all those shards were just a goddamned bowl or something like that. I dropped the fucking scepter of Ma'at bro! What the hell are we gonna do? This lady is a psycho! She'll eat our fucking hearts!

DOCTOR ZIMBARDO
May 08, 2006


booyah.


smart man says oen thing,

but look at this guy who disagrees! complex ideas. be right back after our commercial break.

[do you want a close shave] [b]

[do you want a better love life] [/i]

[vroooom car goes around country road] [u]

ok we bakc guest one what u think. hello hi i got simple ideas about things. ok guest too? hey i am preachy screechy i keep your thinkings easy thats all for today a buh dee a buh dee a buh dee thats all volts

threeagainstfour
Jun 26, 2005

"She said I had a rotten soul."

Men Cannot Grow Beards In Outer Space

Researchers aboard Space Station "11" concluded today with reasonable levels of certainty that men cannot grow beards in space. They also concluded that anyone showing signs of facial hair in space must be an alien.

gardenald
Jul 23, 2007

"If I were you, I'd run!"
"If you were me, you'd be good lookin'."



in lighter news

look at this puppy, this puppy does silly puppy things, doesnt that make you feel better, o well it shouldnt because many bad things are happening and lets look at some of those now

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


standoff with forgotten lunch
counter. a bag of sandwich has been deposited here for a week. who perpetrated sandwich orphan? no one can know. no one will touch. the transparent film of baggie is all that stands between us and the sporangia of unknown molds flocculating in a noxious atmosphere of condiment fumes. negotiations with bag have failed. we live in an uneasy truce, a tacit zone of influence creeps ever outward from the nasty old lunch. soon it will control the whole counter. it will evict us. what vengeful abiogenesis is percolating in that ziploc crucible. if this is your lunch please holler

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


gardenald posted:

in lighter news

look at this puppy, this puppy does silly puppy things, doesnt that make you feel better, o well it shouldnt because many bad things are happening and lets look at some of those now

in lighter news
my lighter is out of fire. i will try to refuel it. i have drilled a hole in one end and stand outside all day with a magnifying glass, beaming sunlight into my lighter. results inconclusive.

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


in lighter news
i cannot make the sunbeams inhere! they are too transient for earth fires. how do the match companies harvest stars for their matchheads? i am driving to the match factory to raid their crops.

Hermetian
Dec 08, 2007
And the life of an unbeliever has no value.



Something Important

somewhere something important has happened. it will probably affect those you love for either good or bad in some significant way. there is a way you should feel about this thing which has happened. most likely it will worry. if you are philosophical you may wonder whether you should feel this way becuase you had nothing to do with the important thing happening. you are not philosophical so you get up to check that the door is locked that night.

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


in lighter news
in hills outside match factory. during daytime it looks like a burger king. at night it unfurls into exquisite industry. mechanical threshers the size of mice claw up from the nether-sumps of the bottomless fry vats and swell, the size of a pony when they exit the doors, expanding to true dimensions as they prowl the parking lot. They then begin to climb up the dome of the sky, leaving void in their wake, the glimmers of stars stored like fireflies in rear-mounted jars. when the threshers have transversed a clean arc they return to the parking lot and their star-jars are unloaded by teams of elves. seeds are tossed into the jars, which sprout into tiny prehensile trees, the ends of the branches seizing, with wooden pincers, a frantically fluttering star. the tree geometrifies, becoming a regular branching of luminous ramification, and gradually the glow fades as a woody fruit envelops the captive fire.

i am not sure i can wield such potent technology. the elves are all drunk and i could easily steal some of their seeds, but i fear a mishap--not releasing the seed in time, and like a vegetable grenade, being captured and compacted and stored as a strike-anywhere human. i forfeit my industrial espionage and descend to the parking lot as a tourist.

a boozy elf directs me to the gift shop. i purchase a globe of the night sky with matchheads marking the constellations. each matchhead contains the actual star it represents, and when lit, the globe is concpetually and visibly indistinguishable from the actual sky. they can only make one of these globes each night. what will refill my lighter

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


I forgot something
fuck fuck fuck fuck I know I forgot something I KNOW it what, what was it, ummm, ok ok just think. think its not to late FUCK FUCK. no. stop it. relax. okay was it the door? did I lock it? did I forget to enter the security code? maybe the oven. was I cooking delicious cookies and left them in the oven, or, or, did I leave the fridge door open? shit, PLEASE not the fridge door. god damn it god DAMN it. I cant believe this. wait, now I remember, the baby

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


in lighter news
i am determined to refill this lighter. it was given to me by an undine, trapped in a bottle of Dasani, as gratitude for her release. i felt bad because i had almost bought a coke instead but she insisted. i think she was fixated on the irony of the gift and didn't notice that i don't smoke or anything. i used up all the fuel out of a sense of embarassed obligation, i took up candlemaking as a guilt hobby and of course i needed to light the candles. i put it off for a very long time, until my house was more made of candles than of house.

at first the bees would laugh at me when i sheepishly went to their cities to buy truckloads of wax, laugh-dancing butt-waggling mockery at the vertebrate with the ersatz honeycomb, but as I improved my skill they began to encourage me, giving me hints, stopping by the house that was now a maze of refracted hexagons. i told them i would have to burn it all down eventually and they shook their antennae with mirth, inscrutable mammal, why ztart a blazzze, mellow out, mellify, fill this monument with honey.

for all their fuzzy zig-zag advize the bees could not overcome my guilty consicence and on the day when i melted the last tapered wick-spire atop my hive i reached for the lighter and felt a burden as great as the water-column of the Challenger Deep drain from my shoulders. I lit two-thousand six-hundred and twenty-three wicks and the vaults and porticoes of my house blurred into a globular blobbing, i walked through the halls as hot rain fell from soft stalactites and behind aureoles of translucent partitions the faerie-flicker of teardrops of flame.

it was only after the edifice had slumped into a great puddle of bulging slabs that i realized i had used up every smidgen of fire. i shouldn't care but there was something about the creation of all those specks of self-perpetuating destruction flowing into a single molten entity... how could i recapture that distinction destroying itself until all was unified? i needed more fire. but how to get it, if not with sunlight, if not with captive stars? I needed to refer to my notes.

Ted_Haggard
Jan 28, 2009


infrateal can i come live in your world it seems like a magical place

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


in lighter news
my notes were, like all my belongings, immured inside a solid lake of wax. i purchased a special shovel garlanded with nichrome wire, powered by piezoelectric cells in the blade, so that the very act of digging enabled itself. After the initial warm-up stubbings i made good progress and by the late afternoon i had excavated a fragrant mineshaft a good six feet deep. as dusk chased away the photons of the upper air i lit the snarled remnants of wicks that poked in odd formations like roots, and dug by the light of the thing i was digging. At 3:33 A.M., an auspicious time, the numeral repeated for its value, I exhumed my notebook and cracked it open.

I was looking for the phone number the undine had given me. I needed to know where she originally got the lighter, in hopes of refilling it at the source. There it was, taped into my notebook, in an ellipsoidal rune like a Lorentz attractor pressed and dried like a leaf. I recognized the whorls as complicated knots of vectors that could only be dialed as a liquid, and so I set off for the city of the bees.

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


in lighter news
holding a clump of sputtering house as a torch, i made my way through the greyscale woods of deep morning. There in the center stood a massive tree the height of a mountain and from its branches dangled the inverse towers of the Apicropolis.

Few bees were awake at this hour but one of the sentries recognized me and with a butt-thrusting greeting she led me inside. I was treated to a breakfast of honeyed pollen-cakes as I waited in the antechamber of the Counzil of Zzzizz. As dawn flexed its wings I heard the humming of the council and they bade me enter the great chamber doors, wrought from hundreds of carapaces of vanquished wasps.

I stated that I needed passage to the far north, and that as payment for bee-bourne transport, I had an artifact of great wonder. I showed them the globe of the night sky and explained its unique ontological properties, and the Council, avid collectors of such curios, agreed to provide me with transportation.

I was led far down to the dangling extremeites of the hive, where great landing-pads bustled with bees, helicopters, bees, zeppelins, bees, rocketships, bees, and bees. A great squadron, their furry abdomens speckled with morning dew, swarmed up from a meadow beneath us. The functionary of the council danced an elliptical proclamation, and I held out my arms; the squadron alighted upon me and then, with a powerful buzzing, i was borne aloft.

inkwell
Dec 09, 2005
defiler of paper

for the Making of BAD
it hit me, suddenly, as like to a flash all over the glazen pond. which is really gray matter.

our grey matter.

tv ----> mush with a lack of content. only with time can weWE learn these things...


perhaps?

trukLekniwnesor
Apr 09, 2007


ehhh

Hermetian
Dec 08, 2007
And the life of an unbeliever has no value.



Infrateal posted:

an ellipsoidal rune like a Lorentz attractor pressed and dried like a leaf

This is possibly my favorite phrase ever

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


in lighter news
everyone knows the feeling of walking, minding your own business, and being dive-bombed by a bee out of nowhere. Where do they come from? Why do they fly so close? Where do they go? The bees will not tell me this for all our friendship, but now I understand the speed of the phenomenon: bees are fast. Hardly an hour of wind-battered flight and we had arrived on Ellesmere Island, high in the Canadian archipelago. With a waggle of farewell the swarm deposited me on a pebbled shore, lapped by the frigid tongue of the Arctic Ocean.

Along with my notebook I had recovered a set of chisels, and I soon found a stone suitable for use as a hammer. I scrambled up the scree of the hillside and found at its summit a desultory jumble of ice and boulders, the melted-and-remelted remains of the winter snowcap. Hacking away at a clump of ice, I had soon fashioned an oversized telephone receiver. With an strip of nichrome torn from my shovel, hooked to a battery, I melted an image of a number-pad into the phone.

With a few terminal strokes I prised the phone from its frozen receiver and carried it, my fingers filling with needles, back down to the shore. Now came the part I was dreading.

Before I could give up, before I could wander off and board an ice floe headed south, I plunged into the surf, choking off a gasp, frantically clutching the ice-phone. Opening my eyes--strange to feel ones eyeballs curdling--I numbly dialed the number of the undine. The ebbing warmth of my fingertip was able to melt just enough of the ice, just enough, an eddy of numerals swirling off into the sea. From infinite depths, a dial tone.

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


in lighter news
...glad to... ...be right there...
telephone subsonic whalesong abyssal switchboard hang up

what would be nice right now, would be a fire. TOO BAD, huh. I shivered so hard my bones temporarily escaped my innards and I saw my skeleton shivering at me, its teeth chattering as my gums flapped in sympathy.

but then the undine came, spewing from the sea, a twenty-foot goddess of salt-spray with fish-scale eyes. When I had seen her before, she was meek and tiny, a homunculus burbling up like a depressurized drinking fountain. My skeleton looked at her with vibrating sockets and she laughed, dredging up from some inky chasm the boiler of a steamship, and--disappointment--a match.

As the slime-crusted furnace rumbled to life I confessed everything, the embarassment, the house-melting, the search for replacement fire. She seemed amused, but at the end looked troubled: "To tell the truth, I don't know what was in that lighter. I sort of, well. I got it as a gift, too. I wanted to give you pearls of surpassing lustre or something but, when I got sucked into the bottle, all I had with me was that lighter. So I regifted it." Her waters flushed red, alluvial runoff, algal bloom. I told her I didn't mind at all, which was the truth; knowing that she felt awkward about giving it made me feel less awkward about receiving it. I admitted I had intended to buy a Coke. We laughed, and the whole situation suddenly became very silly.

"I got it when my currents passed over a subduction zone, I met a magma nymph, I guess you could take a bathysphere, turn left at the miles of endless sludge--"

I interjected, it didn't seem to matter anymore. I could just use matches. We parted cordially and she collapsed in a fountain of spray.

I stood in the wall of heat thrown up by the boiler, pondering my next move. I was very far north, and out of trinkets to trade. I had heard that the North Pole was hollow, that if you climbed inside it you could slide through miles of tunnel and end up...

Constellations Rearranged
SKY: looker-uppers report that someone moved all the stars into new shapes. "The big dipper is now a big dick," says a man with his face craned heavenward, "Orion's Belt now has a buckle that says "fuck you." Many talkers are saying that bees did it. "There's a big constellation that's a picture of a bee flipping us the bird with all six limbs," says a flopping mouth. When asked for comment, bees stung us. It hurt real bad.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


in other news
tldr infrateal

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

i really appreciate infrateal's little jams

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


kitten lodged in box
look at that snug kitten. look at its fuzzy face. that box is now full of kitten farts

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


tree confused
a tree looped around in midgrow and its leaves are all underground. when asked for comment the tree hunched over even further. digging revealed it had struck a seam of suns brighter than ours. it was surrounded by very tanned moles

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


car full of assholes
a car on the highway is going too slow. now it is speeding up so you can't pass it. the driver is on a cellphone and the windows are down and you can hear he is rocking out to Limp Bizkit. you want to stop him but you are driving a miniature unicycle. he is owning the shit out of you

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


car dirty
inanimate metal vessel needs wash bad. you dont have the money but it sure would be nice. might drive into lake because its the only way, like a lot of things

gardenald
Jul 23, 2007

"If I were you, I'd run!"
"If you were me, you'd be good lookin'."



laundry's done
ding. laundry's finished. don't leave it in the dryer or it will get all wrinkly. oh, you ought have separated the whites from the colors. plessy v. ferguson in the washing machine. now that red shirt of yours has committed miscegenation with your socks. enjoy the pink socks, asshole.

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


anna nicole theron handjob party scandal
breast implants terminal cancer car crash announced to reporters stable condition sexy photos available. internet phenomenon video embarrassed hepatitis denies allegations. celebrity nude polio scandal shocks onlookers with life-size drunken and high matt damon-downey-senior. driving dui inconclusive DNA test.

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


DRAFT!
lmao made u look we use mercenaries now u stupid baby

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


jesus christ infatreal
infatreal being accused of 'caring' on the internet, more as developments surface

PiousHeretic
Nov 23, 2008

الاقصي - Yeah, that's right, the rest of you are just posers.


Necc0 posted:

DRAFT!
lmao made u look we use mercenaries now u stupid baby

blackwater does something naughty

the glorious mercenary armies used by our plutocratic masters caught committing horrendous atrocities against arab plebes; but next how to save at the supermarket, with talking head #59743

Thinkmeats
Feb 10, 2004

Chicken Pot SPY!

something happened far away. men say it is your country's fault.

another bad thing with a big reason happened in some part of the world today. your fault? a dissenting man said, 'the problem is these big reasons why the bad thing happened. when they get to be so big, they cannot fit in a television. that is why these problems are unsolvable human nature.' many viewers nod sagely.

Thinkmeats fucked around with this message at Mar 28, 2009 around 13:56

Hermetian
Dec 08, 2007
And the life of an unbeliever has no value.



For sale, baby shoes, never worn

Each baby only wears baby shoes for a few months and they never wear them hard. Other unethical sellers of baby shoes buy back shoes and sell them to other babies. We do not do this. Our baby shoes are new and fresh just like your baby. We will never sell you shoes which have been worn by another parent's heathen child.

Police Academy 6
Jul 12, 2006


Conservatism is not about the party, because the party's merely the shell; it's the inside, it's the filling, that really means something.


gardenald posted:

laundry's done
ding. laundry's finished. don't leave it in the dryer or it will get all wrinkly. oh, you ought have separated the whites from the colors. plessy v. ferguson in the washing machine. now that red shirt of yours has committed miscegenation with your socks. enjoy the pink socks, asshole.

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


fleeting thing is gone forever
your not going to believe this. a thing, only temprorary in nature, is gone forever. did you experience it? get a pic to post on you social programming website? hope you did cause it's gone. haha even small childs know nothing is forever, and you were to busy. idiot. thing will never happen again and you are morose i think. but dont worry, new thing for $59.99 will change that

Seoinin
Mar 04, 2007

God, give us no more Jews; raise, elevate the Palestinians


foreign place intransigent, smelly
a number of mans of importance from overseas gave utterance to many inflammatories yesterday. these opinions, smelling of the suspicious foreign cuisines, will be subsequently generalized and made mockery of by large jocular mans with large jocular cable news contracts. for more, observe your dullardly television junket of choice, pleb.

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


Warning
"If you are reading this, then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second of your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty you can't honestly think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed by authority that you give respect and credence to all who demand it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think everything you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told you should want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job, start a fight, prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity, you will become a statistic. You have been warned. ~ Tyler

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


necc0
no necc0 :/

Brucie Banner
Jun 18, 2008



Prince of Dicks posted:

necc0
no necc0 :/

Necc0
Jun 30, 2005

It's my right as an American to fuck this dog. Again.


bzz bzz
i just gotr a text i hope its that chick i met last night maybe she wants to get some coffee or something that will be sweetdamnit my lab partner didnt do his homework again

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

an evil more powerful than you could possibly imagine
now inside your sega. and look how dumb your little brother is. he can't even double jump. what a double-dweeb. what a dweebdribble. tribble. what's he doing. ugh if the fuckin spiders would stop spawning every five seconds you could get that door opwhat is your littl holy... holy moly?!?! your little asswipe brother just poured water all over the sega! what? what?? oh my freaking hekc

Prince of Dicks
Sep 08, 2003

I...I never knew a photo could be so bold, so beautiful! Thank you HDR! Thank you!


heartbeat city
here we come

MRI chalk
Oct 21, 2005

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

the batteries are dead
no, mom, we don't need a new camera. yes, i'm sure. mom you don't have to call dad he's at work he's not gonna know. he can't look at it from work. mom we just need to get new batteries. look. i'm gonna take these batteries and put them in the remote. see, now the remote doesn't work. they're... no, mom, we don't need a new remote ohly moly

Infrateal
Aug 03, 2007
It is imperative to exercise all-round dictatorship over the bourgeoisie and impermissible to give it up halfway


cactus are soft
all those spikes? a prickle trickle. they are afraid of being loved. an intrepid cuddler has exposed the secret. millions have descended on the desert, it is alive with the purring of cactus. hugged at last

Quixotic
Sep 01, 2004

THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS AN INNOVATION


my lovely lady lumps
revealed to be an aggressive cancer. don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me because she is running an extremely dangerous fever. move, bitch, get out the way, your advanced nerve disease is causing you to move erratically. I know you like to think that your shit don't stink but lean a little bit closer because your frontal lobe tumor is causing anosmia

Brucie Banner
Jun 18, 2008



there's beggary in the love that can be reckon'd
eternity was in our lips and eyes. a countenance more in sorrow than anger. a high hope for a low heaven. why then, O brawling love! O loving hate! O hell! to choose love by another's eye. my heart is true as steel. i burn, i pine, i perish. to be thus is nothing, but to be safely thus. demand me nothing: what you know, you know. from this time forth i will never speak another word.

more matter with less art.

.Edward Penischin
Jun 04, 2008


Bad weather happening outside
What the...this never happened before.

Captain Corduroy
Mar 30, 2007

Dude, you have to wait.


new movie rapes childhood

actually causes memories of childhood rape to flood back. will probably ask for ticket price to be refunded

SuperSlacker
Mar 11, 2007



Are your investments safe?
bldhfjg inc. has dropped several points! Listen to our expert and make sure you and your loved ones are safe from bad investments. tell your brother, tell your father, tell that bum that you see on your route to work. Your financial stability could be at stake!